In My Head-and not paying rent

In My Head-and not paying rent

For a number of years, I have been told resentments will tear me apart if I don’t deal with them. I was told, and it remains true today, that resentments are like a tenant in an apartment building who occupy space but pay no rent. The space in my head is at a premium, and I need it to be occupied gainfully. I can’t afford freeloaders.

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harbouring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”© 2001, AAWS, Inc., Alcoholics Anonymous, page 66

I draw much of my strength from things learned from the 12 steps as written in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. PLEASE BE AWARE that while the publication was written for those with problems with alcohol, the principals of the steps have long be recognised as a model for any human being to live a healthy life mentally. Forget the word alcohol as written above UNLESS it applies to you. Resentments are a grave malady for all human beings if allowed to live on in the head, and are not dealt with.

I have found that in dealing with my own past, as much as I did not think I was carrying them, I had some deep seeded resentment that I really had to dig out, and I had carried them below the surface for decades. They truly did shut me out from appreciating the full sunshine of life.

While along way from perfect even today, I became aware of the resentments I was carrying through work directed by others, and following the guides of the steps. To the best of my ability, I have dealt with long standing resentments, and in doing so, have been able to grow spiritually and grow as a person.

My journey to a better life came because of an inner feeling that there was a better life available.

Along the journey, I have faced some real issues, including addictions to substance and behaviours. Identifying and dealing with resentments played a huge role in the recovery of a life that has hope and serenity as key elements on a daily basis.

Perfect? No. Improved? Yes.

Are resentments occupying valuable space in your head and not paying rent? Are resentments keeping you from living the life you desire and deserve?

You do have a choice and freedom is available to those who are prepared to change.

It Is Only On Loan

It Is Only On Loan

Those who know me know that I’m an avid golfer. Every now and again, and usually out of the blue, I have a remarkably good round. The one lesson a friend instilled in me is that “it is only on loan”. That usually proves to be true!

While reading today, I came across the following that certainly reminded me of the adage, and took it deeper.

“Life is a series of letting go's - an "infinite" series of letting go's. All things in life are given us on loan. . . . Once we have learned to let go, we are prepared for whatever life gives us. And death itself is nothing to be feared.
--Matthew Fox

For many years, I resisted the concept of letting go. I resisted mostly because I didn't understand what people were talking about. I'd be loudly obsessing about something. "Just let go," they'd say. "Okay," I'd say. Then I'd walk away and wonder what they meant, and mostly how to do it. Soon, I caught on.

Letting go is a behaviour we can practice each day, whatever the circumstances in our lives. It's a behaviour that benefits relationships we want to work. It's a helpful behaviour in insane relationships, too. It's a useful tool to use when we really want to bring something or someone into our lives, and in accomplishing our goals. It's a helpful tool to use on outdated behaviours such as low self-esteem and manipulation.

Letting go takes the emotional charge, the drama, out of things and restores us to a sense of balance, peace, and spiritual power.

Letting go works well on the past and the future. It brings us into today.

Paraphrasing the mystic writer Matthew Fox, everything that comes, comes to pass. Demystify letting go. It's not as complicated as it sounds. Learning the art of letting go really means learning to calmly let things be.”

These are certainly wise words, easier to look at and intellectually accept than put in to practise.

There are emotional situations, primarily revolving around family, that do happen in life. My tool kit tells me to let go; but easier said than done. Some of these thoughts have played on me a caused stress and little black clouds!

My inability to let go immediately has caused doubts in some of my basic beliefs, but then sanity returns.

As I look back as to what was really bothering me a month ago, I appreciate it was “only on loan” as was the last great golf game I had. Time to go to greener pasture and see if I can loan it back. I’ve let go of what happened yesterday and know today is a new day!!

Humility or Humiliation?

Humility or Humiliation?

Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie, it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 74

When I made a decision to take my life in a new direction, and reached out to get help, I was told I needed to be humble.Humble?

My mind immediately raced and told me that to be humble, I would have to embarrass myself, and I’d had enough of that! I didn’t relate the inability to be humble, or lack there of, with things like being unable to accept a compliment with grace, having to make sure you knew who I know, and so one! I had accomplished much in my life, but could not accept that with humility. If you gave me a compliment, I couldn’t just say thank you.

How often do I focus on my problems and frustrations? When I am having a "good day" these same problems shrink in importance and my preoccupation with them dwindles. Wouldn't it be better if I could find a key to unlock the "magic" of my "good days" for use on the woes of my "bad days"?

I already have the solution! Instead of trying to run away from my pain and wish my problems away, I can pray for humility! Humility will heal the pain. Humility will take me out of myself. Humility that strength granted to me by that “power greater than myself is mine for the asking! Humility will bring balance back into my life. Humility will allow me to accept my humanness joyously.

Today, I can enjoy my successes. Today, if I get a compliment, I can truly say a simple thank you. This massive change in my life is truly a gift, and a gift that is available to all!!

Why??-Do they.

Why??-Do they.

Another great question that came from a friend. If we replace the word alcohol with any of a hundred words, the question and response are every bit as relevant.

Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?

Perhaps there never will be a full answer to these questions. Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why, once a certain point is reached, little can be done for him. We cannot answer the riddle.

© 2001, AAWS, Inc., Alcoholics Anonymous, page 22

So have you pondered this question in your own life?

For me, the solution came in working the steps and making new footprints in life. It was suggested that I work them as I become ready, that I be guided through them by someone who had walked before me, and that I worked them in order. The results I’ve experienced and witnessed tell me the advice was sound!

People, who are basically sane, and usually intelligent, revert into “other” people when active in their addiction.

We pondered the “whys” at a great meeting last week and thoughts like “too smart” and “not at Bottom” came forward. As stated above, the riddle has no answer.

Why doesn’t matter, accepting what is and doing something positive about it does! There is hope for all who really want it! We welcome your questions.

Denial is not a river in Egypt!!

I Got An Unmerited Gift. Interested In One Too?

I Got An Unmerited Gift. Interested In One Too?

By definition, unmerited means undeserved, and the gift I was given, the gift of life recovery-was seemingly undeserved. Why me?

The question has no answer that I understand.

For a long period of time, my life was in decline, some periods slow, some much more rapid and obvious to others. I was “too smart” to think anything was wrong. I was “too smart” to listen to the signals from others and away “too smart” to get help!

My personal relationships were in decline, to make an understatement, I wasn’t feeling good about myself, my mood altering activities were not doing what they once had done and my job performance was not nearly as good as it could have been. But I was functioning and showing a face to the world that said “I’m Fine”. I wasn’t.

While I have always tried to “give back” in my own way to things I was involved in, and was always there to help others, I know today while well intended, these things were part of the mask I wore. I wanted external validation that I was OK and liked.

The unmerited gift came right out of the blue. I don’t know why me.

To oversimplify, through a marital situation, I sought outside help. This help lead to another professional, to coaching and to therapy. It also lead to a support group. For some unknown reason it dawned on me, if I were that smart, why I had hit the lows that I hit.

I chose to get out of my own way and try something new. I sought help, and I sought change. While addictions certainly played a role in my past, what I truly wanted was a life with hope, serenity, feeling feelings, loving unconditionally, and the laughter and restful sleep I knew others enjoyed.

The gift had been waiting there for me for years. It is waiting for all who want it. To get it I had to get dumb, get out of my own way, and learn to trust. I have been fortunate to receive this unmerited gift, and it grows in its blissfulness everyday.

I wondered out loud today about why so many I see who have hit a “low” just don’t get it even when it is offered to them. Wise people explained to me that most of them are “too smart” or too something to get it. If they’re lucky, they’ll dummy up and get it.

I am grateful that I was chosen, on an unmerited basis, to get the gift of an abundant and rich life. It is there for all who need it.

Are you interested in getting a gift??

ARE YOU READY FOR CHANGE? It’s Coming.

ARE YOU READY FOR CHANGE? It’s Coming.

“The reality is that changes are coming . . .They must come. You must share in bringing them.
--John Hersey

Change. It's scary. It's hard. It's needed. Sometimes it feels good; other times it feels bad. But one thing is for sure: it keeps on happening.

Just when our life seems settled, it changes. We can't stop life. We can't stay this age forever. The world changes. Life moves on. There are always new things to do and learn.

Change means we're always beginners in some ways. We need to ask for wisdom and courage. We get it by listening, by praying, by meditating. When we ask, our Higher Power will teach us to be part of good changes.”

Hard to add much to the truths as quoted. In the spirit of life, I must suggest that you can prepare and be ready for change with mentoring/coaching that is in keeping with the philosophies above.

There is life after addiction in abundance. There is life after inner pain. It requires change. Are you ready??

And on the same day, but on topic:

ll miracles keep offering new opportunities just when I need change and growth. New friends have shown me hidden truths in those sayings that I once found so shallow. The lessons of tolerance and acceptance have taught me to look beyond exterior appearances to find the help and wisdom so often lurking beneath the surface. All my sobriety and growth, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, are dependent upon my willingness to listen, understand, and change.

© 2001, AAWS, Inc., Alcoholics Anonymous, page 542

Little Dark Clouds

Little Dark Clouds

Some days I feel like a cartoon character and not my beloved Popeye.

I am the person you see in the cartoons with the little black cloud over my head every where I go. I’m thankful that I don’t get this way often, and know it will pass, but the feeling is here, right now. I think some call it depression, I call it a funk!!

I have been on a journey to an improved life for a long time! I coach people on balance and goal setting, and work with many in addiction recovery. Yet I was there, in a funk, black cloud and all.

It’s now gone.

Why??

Simple stuff that I should remember, yet frequently don’t, and then pay the price.

Yes, there is a bit of real stress in my life at the current time. A couple of things have happened involving family and friends that have rattled me, and in one particular instance left me with a financial mess I truly didn’t think could happen.

Reason for concern, not a funk!

I took a time out today. Had a great lunch and walked 5 miles in a green pasture with friends I enjoy. I took the time to appreciate the beauty I was surrounded by and got some meditation time in.

And guess what?

The funk has lifted and the sun is shining inside again!

Even having kicked around for a long time doesn’t exempt me from minor depression! I’ve had great teachers, but some times I forget what they have ingrained in me about mental hygiene and life balance. It is easy to just forget what keeps me sane; I get caught up in life as do most people, and forget to do what needs to be done.

So there we go, I feel like Popeye again. I’ve got a client to coach this evening, and I’m glad I’ll be 100% there for her!!

For what I have been taught, and the higher power that guides me, I am truly grateful.

As Popeye said, “I am what I am”.

Self-Reflection

Self-Reflection

-we all need it

So far, it’s been a really interesting day. Things are now quiet, and I am reflecting on a few things that have happened lately.

In response to one of my journals, I got some very constructive feed back on content and approach, and some constructive feedback on my web site which I can incorporate to make it more helpful, and to hopefully increase the amount of work I am doing.

This morning, I had the opportunity to work with two very different contacts.

One is in Europe, is mature in life experiences, and is focused on recovering from a life where some of the same experiences I went through are common to both of us. So were the ways we dealt with inner pain. I have been on the journey of recovery much longer than her, but am thrilled and amazed to be a witness to her growth. We share a common language in more ways than one, a language of the heart, and it impacts our sessions in a very special way. She brightens my life!

I have also worked with a young man this morning that is in the early stages of building a career. He has so much going for him, and it is a thrill to see the good things that are within him come out. He is setting goals, adjusting as is practical and making steady progress and practicing some new behaviors that will lead him to career and life success. In a very different way, he helps keep me centered!

These things feel good; they are the purpose I feel is my life!

I realize that I can seem like I have my “poop” together, and can get what was lovingly referred to “preachy”. I am trying to learn how to change that, and make it easier for people to relate.

Each day when I journal, I try to come straight from the heart, and the primary thought is to get things that are inside of me outside! Fact is that the lousy days for a good piece of time have been few and far between. I have had a ton of help, and I try to acknowledge it regularly. I’m in the “helping” business because I believe in it personally. I love working with people as a “guide” on a life recovery journey because I love the journey.

It blows me away that statistically, about 10% of the population are affected by addictions, and at least as many are affected adversely by self-esteem issues. Hard to have a good life on the outside when you’re a mess on the inside! I learned this the hard way! Yet with so many “struggling” out there, so few get help, get hope, or get serenity and do not realize abundance in their life. A real pity.

If I can help a few, it’s a win/win. My clients and those I do “service” work with on a daily basis give me at least equal to anything I can offer them, and they add to the richness of my life. I’m grateful. Life has its ups and downs. On the whole, at this moment in time, while not being what I want 100%, I’m in a pretty happy space and spiritually grounded! This, I believe, gives me something to offer to others.

Once again, I encourage comments and questions to anything I publish! There is a world of experience out there that I can learn from.

Upon reflection, I know my journey is uphill, but progress is slowly occurring!! Thank you, by reading this, for being part of the trip.

Do You Paddle Your Canoe?

Do You Paddle Your Canoe?

“As one goes through life, one learns that if you don’t paddle your own canoe, you don’t move.”

This comment is attributed to the late Audrey Hepburn, and if she didn’t make it, some one should have. It gives lots to think about.

I go through the normal ups and downs in life. Generally my “highs” are not over the moon, nor my lows in the depths. This is because of the journey I’m on and the great things I’ve been taught about life balance.

I learned many years ago that I benefit from the help of others, and am not afraid to ask for help and sound out ideas. There are many around who have a better knowledge in some areas than I will ever have, or want to have for that matter. I’ve benefited, and still do, from great coaches, mentors and friends who I trust and whose directions I respect.

Ultimately, I am responsible for paddling my own canoe.

We need a map and direction, but the responsibility for action lies firmly with me. I have a strong spiritual foundation, and my relationship with my higher power is constantly growing. That force, in most areas, is my compass, and I remember that daily in prayer and meditation.

I have been given the tools and direction. I am responsible, if I want positive movement in my life, to paddle the canoe using the tools provided.

I honestly do the best I can, and some days are far better than others. Do you paddle your canoe?

If you say yes, you’ll love the journey!

This seems to be my week for 2 day golf tournaments. Saturday’s round is done, and I’m still in the hunt. With Greg Norman doing it in the British Open so far, there is “hope” for seniors. By Monday, I’ll have all the golf answers!

THE GOD THING-ME?

THE GOD THING-ME?

Had some great feedback over taking a first step, powerless and unmanageable! Thanks. I learn from hearing from others.

I sometimes wonder if I’m not addicted to golf. Played twice over the weekend. Each day, even on the occasions of playing very poor shots, I am amazed by how I don’t get angry. This is behavior that only started after I awoke spiritually. To boot, I am nearly 100% of the time I’m on the course aware of the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and the peace that is there when I quiet.

I play with some very interesting people. A man I call a friend, and who was terribly addicted, was a golf partner. He hit his bottom nearly a year ago, and has been free of his mood altering substance of choice for just about a year. The change in him and his relationship with those he loves the most is a miracle, and I truly enjoy his company.

His life is still terribly busy and filled with problems.

During our time together, we talked about finding a higher power who could restore us to sanity and who we were willing to lives and will over to. I always remember, my higher power gives me free will and allows me mistakes!

The “god” thing is often a tough concept for people new to recovery and self-discovery to deal with. For me, I had been badly let down by formal religion, and at 20, had closed my mind to the god that group of people followed. Many I run into have trouble with a god who will allow bad things to happen to people they love, or to them. What kind of god allows the natural disasters we frequently hear about? The whole higher power thing is more than they can handle.

For me, I came to understand that I did not run the world and everyone around me. In my own way, and in my own small world, I had tried, and ultimately failed. I always believed things happened for a reason, and my awakening started when I realized that there might be something outside of me and bigger than me that called the shots. And note, I said might.

There were a few people I knew who were more powerful than me, and initially they were my higher power. During a breakthrough conversation with a spiritual coach while I was in treatment, something happened to me that I to this day can’t explain, and I quit denying god and started to look. My eyes were open to a different world, and the small voice inside of me became stronger; I was listening better to it.

I saw others who had big addiction (sanity) issues, and were one day at a time free from them. A measure of sanity had returned to their lives. Yet others told me they could turn problems over to their higher power, and things got better. While I had real trouble for a while believing this could work, I at least became WILLING to give it a try.

From having no belief in anything bigger than my self for a very long time, and being angry at a god of my former church who had really dropped the ball and been consciously shut out and denied in my life, to a person who realized that there might be something bigger than me which could help my mental state and possibly I could turn to this source for help with living issues, was a quantum shift.

It was a shift I made much easier than I could have imagined because I became willing. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I didn’t get “religion” then, nor do I have it now in a text book way. While today I have nothing against any religion, I do not feel compelled to attend a church.

Over the last dozen plus years, I have found conscious contact with this higher power. For ease, I call this higher power god, we need a label for everything, but god to me is Good Orderly Direction.

Do not ask me to draw a picture of my higher power, but I can feel its presence whenever I make contact. I see and feel my higher power in all about me and within me. I hear my higher power through other people and in things I read. My higher power is alive in each and every living thing if I allow myself to see it! The relationship is in continuously more powerful state of evolution; it is the journey I’m on.

My first step was a tough one. Surrendering was not easy. The next steps, those which put a source of life itself back into my life were not easy, because I fought a truth. But I did come to believe and did become willing!

So, no religion per say today, but knowledge that there is a higher power at work in life today, yesterday, and in the today’s to come. I know this to be true, and am relieved I don’t have to run the show,

In my own way I have a god in my life today which is real to me, and who is always there a loves me, even if I hit bad golf shots!!

First Steps-Do You Remember?

First Steps-Do You Remember?

My parents and family have told me about my first steps. I certainly don’t remember them, but I am told I was an “early” walker.

Seems I was early at trying a lot of things-booze, girls, dope, motorcycles, lying, stealing, cheating! I was not early getting into a journey of recovery.

In many of my vices, I remember those first steps so well!

The first step on my journey to recovery I remember oh so well. The woman I loved announced she was leaving me, and in fact did so. This wasn’t the first step yet, but it sent me plummeting to a new bottom, a lower point in life than I’d ever been at.

I still had a house, still had cars, still had a job, still had some money, but had lost the person I cared most about. I went out of control emotionally. We sought a marriage coach because we loved each other, and it was this coach who led me to an addictions coach/mentor who got me to take that first step in the journey of recovery!!

Man, I remember that time in my life vividly!!

With a lot of help from others, I was introduced to a program of recovery, and worked with many others to take that first step; one of 12.

The first step told me that a group of people who had recovered, and many of whom were seemingly beyond help, had admitted that they were powerless over their addiction/or an addicted person, and their lives had become unmanageable.

Here I was a big shot in my own mind, seemingly reasonably successful to the outside world, all of the trappings. Me powerless? Me, the great manager, fixer, and controller of all around me, powerless?? My ego said no way, yet the small quiet voice said “Keith, it’s true, own it and move forward”.

That first step was real tough. Today I am properly proud that I had the courage to take the step, and follow the steps that gave me a spiritual awakening, a new purpose to life, and began a life long journey of loving life with no particular destination. As I’ve been taught, I’m trudging the road of happy destiny.

I’ve seen much discussion on the concept of powerlessness. Some say we are never powerless, and I can accept some of that logic. I have always had the power to make choices. When I made choices to take part in or use my mood altering “friends”, I was powerless over outcomes once I started. I had so many feelings stuffed inside of me that caused pain. I had no idea of how to identify these feelings and deal with them in a healthy way. My addictions were a temporary medication for the “soul” pain I felt, and at that first step, I was spiritually empty!

Unmanageable? Again, the outside world would look and think I had my “poop” together.

Few knew of the places I went late at night or the risks I took. I would hide my “dark side” and other life from people I knew. The love of my life was gone. I was crying a lot. My kids supported me the best they could, but were very concerned about my mental state and telling me I needed help. My good and loyal dog distanced himself from me (surprising how perceptive pets can be), I drove under the influence, people were pulling away from me, I suffered scrapes and bruises when I bumped into things; and more.

Unmanageable? My life?

In that first step, I remember accepting and then surrendering to the reality of the situation. It was humiliating and humbling, but the relief I got from that first step was indescribable. I didn’t have to lie and hide any more. Those who were coaching me and who had something I wanted told me that things would be OK, and that gave me hope!

I look back and remember each of my children, and now grand children, taking that first step. A little afraid, wobbly and uncertain, but knowing it was the time to do it and that they would be OK. Their first steps allowed them to explore a world bigger than anything they knew existed, and started them on a journey!

My first step in recovery began me on a journey to a life that I had not known as an adult, and I continue to walk this journey with determination, and humbled by the gifts of hope and serenity that I experience on a daily basis.

Is there a first step in an area of your life you need to take? I’m here to share and help.

Affirmations-Do You Love You?

Affirmations-Do You Love You?

Years ago I was introduced to the power of positive affirmations. Like those I introduce affirmations to today, at first I thought it was ridiculous.

At Homewood, a great treatment center I was at in 1994, they gave us not only a sheet of self-affirmations, but a list of qualities and asked us to rate ourselves against others in our group session.

Needless to say, myself, and most others, rated ourselves “less Than” those we compared ourselves against. What a surprise, most of us, although external egos in some still appeared large, felt inferior inside!

I truly wanted to change my life and get it back. So I was prepared to try whatever “they” told I might work.

On a daily basis, I stood in front of a mirror, looked myself in the eye, and read the positive things both staff and fellow patients had given to me. It was tough. I knew inside of me many of these things I was reading may be true about others, but were not true about me.

For a long time, well after my period in treatment was over, I kept up doing these affirmations. As I awoke spiritually, and stayed willing to change and worked daily to recover from my addictions, I could see truth in these affirmations and over time became comfortable in my own skin!

This was a miracle.

Well several of the people I coach today come in with a lot of bravado; they are stumped when I ask them to write down four personal characteristics about themselves in an “I am” statement. An example could be “I am able to love unconditionally”.

This is tough sledding for many!

For these people, I ask them to talk to others who love and care about them (spouse, children, parents, siblings, close friends) and come up with a list of 4 things others believe are great personal qualities of the client.

Then I ask them to start each day looking in a mirror and saying to themselves, with eye contact, 4 personal “I am “statements.

Funny, many can’t do it because their ego won’t let them. They can misrepresent themselves to others, and cannot accept themselves positively. Ask them for negatives, and they can rhyme them off!!

Those who do this simple practice, and work on the things we go through in coaching sessions, come back over time and tell me that they now know the “I am” statements are true. They begin to discover the good that is in all of us, and are now very “coachable”. They want to set and achieve life goals and live a balanced life.

No magic to this process and we all have good in us. I know from personal experience, and just like an athlete, coaching can help bring out the best of my talents.

Need coaching or need to discover the true and good you?

Write down four personal positive qualities about yourself. Get in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye. Find out, do you love you??

Remember, you can’t give to others what you haven’t got inside of you!!